A rusty shot in the gangrenous arm of American Television

In what could only be described as an epiphany on an almost apocalyptic scale my girlfriend and I devised the most perfect show ever. I can only hope that some wayward television executive sees this and puts forth the necessary effort (most likely including parting the Straight of Hormuz and unifying Korea under the guise of pure democracy) to turn it into a reality. Of the many ideas I've had, this is the one I'd most like to see pirated.

Let me put it into a rather simplistic perspective - The Moment of Truth meets Ninja Warrior. Please, allow it to digest, melt, be passed through your bowels, and ultimately used as fertilizer for a beautiful cherry blossom tree. With that lovely image in your head now chop down the tree and fashion a very ornate throne upon which Daniel Day Lewis will languish. Now, while you are most certainly asking where Daniel Day Lewis (henceforth known as God in a Starring Role) came from, bear with me for just a few moments more. I assure you, it gets better. Just like personal and devastating questions are lethargically directed towards mentally handicapped/emotionally disturbed Americans, there will be several times throughout the show wherein Daniel Day Lewis will grace contestants with his presence and ask them questions in hopes of utterly destroying them. The contestants will also be surrounded by their close friends, family, boss, etc in the hopes that their personal lives will be razed to such an extent that they will either have to move to a country lacking even basic forms of communication or will be forced to shuffle off their sad excuse for a mortal coil.

I know it's already very good, but this is only one part of the show. If you will remember, I said it was a cross between both The Moment of Truth and Ninja Warrior. So, on to the Japanese component of this show. There will be obstacles. Lots of them. Punishing, humiliating. The contestants will have to work through obstacles like those shown on Ninja Warrior (my personal favorite being the rolling log [there's nothing like seeing confident Japanese people roll around, get dizzy, and fall into muddy water - it's a hoot]) in order to get to the next question. If they fail during the obstacles they only face their own shame and humiliation, along with the ridicule and projectile-throwing of the crowd, who will most likely be inmates. Shivs allowed, in case anyone was wondering. But, if they fail during the question part and are found to be lying they will be savagely beaten and demeaned by Daniel Day Lewis using a bowling pin. It will be up to Daniel Day Lewis' discretion as to whether they are allowed to live or if they are left in a pool of their own blood on the stage.

Lest any of you thought that I was forgetting the energetic and lyrical commentary provided by Ninja Warriors superb commentator, I most certainly haven't. He shall be a very prominent member of the show, informing the audience about everything from the contestants trying and failing on obstacles to their self-deprecating turns answering the pointed questions of Daniel Day Lewis. And it will be in Japanese. And there will be English subtitles, as poetic (if you don't believe they're poetic then just watch an episode, if only for a few minutes, because they certainly are) and fantastic as those on Ninja Warrior.

So, there is the idea. As outrageous and incredible as a TV show, nay, a Television Experience, could be. If you disagree with any of it, feel free to comment, though I can't say I'll take any criticism seriously. Honestly, if you disagree with this show, you must be un-American.

Yet Another Day, marching ever forward

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